I will block her path with a wall to make her lose her way.
When she runs after her lovers, she won’t be able to catch them.
She will search for them but not find them.
Then she will think,
‘I might as well return to my husband,
for I was better off with him than I am now.’ 
She doesn’t realize it was I who gave her everything she has-
the grain, the new wine, the olive oil;
I even gave her silver and gold.
But she gave all my gifts to Baal. 

Hosea 2:6b-8

I’ve been re-reading this book, and I just keep going back to this. And I think about my life - all of it - all nineteen years, and I think about how I’ve been running after this, and chasing after that, searching for this. And all I hit are walls because I’m not listening. I can’t catch anything because I’m doing it all on my own. I fall short because I try to seize control. I don’t find what I’m looking for. And I… I take the precious gifts I’ve been given and I just.. give them away. Pieces of myself, the things that can’t be replaced: my creativity, my thoughts, my purity, my time, my curiosity, my love, my attention. I break bits and pieces off and give them away until I realize… I was better off with Him than I am now. And so it’s so comforting to see:

“But then I will win her back once again. 
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there,
as she did long ago when she was young,
when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. 
When that day comes,” says the Lord,
“you will call me ‘my husband’
instead of ‘my master.’ 

“I will make you my wife forever,
showing you righteousness and justice,
unfailing love and compassion.
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as Lord.” 

Hosea 2:14-16, 19, 20

The fact that He even wants to win my heart is overwhelming. Who am I to deserve His time? His attention? a turn of His head? I’m a speck. A wisp. And He adores me.  He wants to be bonded to me forever. I can’t… my head spins. 
I am worthy. I am deserving. I can receive. Only because I am His. Only because He declares it so. 

and I could go on.
but knowing that I can come to Him exactly as I am: confused, worried, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed - and He finds me wonderful. That.. that’s enough to get me through tomorrow. 

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i’m going through my old iPod, and man, I wish I could post all these good songs.  

Like old Relient K, Hawk Nelson, FM Static, Showbread, old Paramore, Run Kid Run, Search the City, Audio Adrenaline, Secondhand Serenade, FF5, Seven Places (remember them? ehh?), Superchic[k], oooold Switchfoot…

made a playlist and I’m set for the night.

if a boy made me a mix tape, i’d probably blush for days.

Man Overboard and Transit are playing at Warped this year. 

*gasping for air*

To see the ocean. 

I’ll be 20 in about 2 weeks and have never seen it and I want to see it.

I just need the money and someone who has the time to come with me and has a good sense of direction…

i turned off the anonymous option via the advice of a friend. this morning my inbox was full of condemnation, which i just deleted.

because apparently there are people who follow me just to bring negativity.

and this is just a website.

Everytime I wear a floral shirt now, I’m always like, “dangit, my shirt matches my arm….”

I am Hosea’s wife.

it’s funny how some friends promise to be something for you that’s impossible, and you know that, but you choose to believe it anyways.

but in the end, they always end up proving you right. and you feel a little cheated.

i am so negative tonight and i’m genuinely sorry. everything has ended on a neutral note, but there’s all these thoughts rolling in and out of my mind and i’m just. 

i have no filter tonight apparently.

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